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Dude…what’s with the sticky dice?

There’s always one.
*shakes head*

Allow me to explain.

Hubs and I used to play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons a while back, but haven’t played for a few years. Now that we’re settled in here, we’ve decided to get back into the game. In furtherance of that, I recently signed up for a local rpg gaming email list so I could get a handle on what’s happening where.

The first few batches of emails were just about what you’d expect – folks looking for games to play, folks looking for a GM1 for their group, people buying and selling game gear, announcements of new games…all nice and normal.

Today, there’s this:

What is your feelings on sex in a game?

The writer even mentioned having a sourcebook, of all things, published by a third party (Oh, really, you mean Wizards of the Coast passed on that opportunity? Go figure.) purporting to show how to deal with sex in rpg gaming. Um, yeah, so what does that look like? I’m guessing something like, Attempts at consensual necking succeed on a d20 vs Reflex. Critical hits (20) imply that the character moves on to the next available “base,” while critical failures (1) imply that you have either zipped yourself into your breeches (roll 2d4 for damage, plus 2hp ongoing damage, Save vs Fortitude ends) or you’ve stuck your finger in her ear (take immediate 3d6 damage from her Withering Stare and become Fumbled [-3 to hit] for next 2 rounds).

*heavy sigh*

You see, this is why we can’t have nice things. There’s always some obsessive knob-polisher who can’t even get through a game of hack-n-slash role playing without the compulsion to screw whatever is within reach of their PC’s2 move allowance. The problem is that although Sir Happy-Pants McJackson here is (luckily) in the minority, they’re the one’s people point to when explaining why they think rpg gamers are incredibly lame losers who can’t get laid. It’s kind of like being a conscientious and intelligent Republican right now – no matter how smart and well-though-out your arguments and reasoning are, everyone just looks at you and says, “Newcular,” then runs off laughing.

I’m not the only one who has this reaction by a long shot. The very first response was, “This can not go well.” And lo, such prophesy was indeed borne out. Pretty much everyone’s immediate reaction was some variation of, “Ewwwwww,” or “How ’bout NO.”

A few calmer heads noted that, indeed, within the context of long-term game play there could conceivably be instances of sexual congress alluded to (off stage, as it were) as part of the campaign. Say, if two characters get married, or someone has to seduce the demon queen in order to get access to the Fiery Gem of Splody Goodness. But even those responses were generally bookended by “I almost never allow this,” and “But it’s not happening in my game.” And it was made clear that under no circumstances whatsoever would there be any actual role playing of said congress. None. Period. Go away now.

Meanwhile, Lord Waldo the Wand Waggler is making it plainly clear that he’s definitely talking about detailed sexual role playing here (I still can’t figure out how you roll for that sort of initiative), which is just making the whole conversation that much more awkward and, frankly, creepy.

Fortunately for my sanity and interest in local gaming, the majority of replies centered around the, “This isn’t that sort of role playing, go get your jollies elsewhere,” vein. Someone else pointed out that this person has been banned from a handful of other games for anti-social behavior (it’s not specified what sort behavior, so either it was about this and he can’t take a hint, or he’s an even less pleasant a player than this email thread shows him to be, which is a considerable accomplishment.) And the GM who was pulling together the campaign that I was thinking about joining made it plain that this individual is, as of now, a persona non grata in his campaign. So all is well on that front.

What really boggles is Bargepole the Bunghunter’s final salvo, which was to sniffle that no one will let him play because of his ADD (the disability, not the 2nd Edition game) and that his disability affects his interpersonal skills (no, really) and it’s all so ironic because he took up gaming to improve his ability to interact with people. To which I have to say, dude, you totally failed in that attempt. Critical miss. You actually rolled a zero on a 1-20 die.

The fact is, if you’re so incapable of dealing with people that you feel the need impose your sex life on a group of pale, doughy gamer nerds who are just trying to have a few hours of orc-bashing fun, you don’t need a gaming group – you need the sort of group that has a therapist sitting in on it. And I say that without a trace of snark. I mean it. You are not yet operating at a level of amenable social interaction that is going to enable you to meaningfully interact with a gaming group. And considering how socially backward gaming nerds get, that’s really saying something.

And just for the record, I’m never touching your dice. I don’t care how cool they are.


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2 responses so far

2 Responses to “Dude…what’s with the sticky dice?”

  1. Brian Dunbaron Sep 9th 2008 at 9:23 pm

    . . . Fiery Gem of Splody Goodness.

    That is the best euphemism for orgasm I’ve ever read.

  2. sonipittson Sep 9th 2008 at 10:08 pm

    It’s not…but…gahhhh!!!

    It’s a magical fire weapon, dammit. Big fire. Boom. Ah, the hell with it…

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